Sinead and Bonadio split up: 'There's no space for my needs'

TWO weeks ago in the Sunday Independent, singer Mary Coughlan told the story of her marriage breakdown, of the blind rage at her husband's infidelity, which she simply cannot get past. She told of her sometimes murderous feelings towards him. Although she insisted that Sinead O'Connor "did not steal" her husband (they separated some two years before he met O'Connor), she also revealed that his new relationship causes her confusion and distress, especially the fact that Sinead O'Connor spends weekends in the home which she left.

Sinead O'Connor has her own story to tell of these troubled times. This weekend she has ended the relationship with Frank Bonadio, citing a number of reasons, a compelling one being that, "It's taken me ages to figure out why Mary is so upset, which is that [I am in] the marital home. I had to deduce that.

"I wanted to be able to spend two nights a week with the father of my baby, but it's really impossible to have a relationship under the circumstances. Frank is still stuck in his marriage, so is Mary. As my sister wrote in a poem, I am 'drowning in 20 years that don't belong to me'.

"A marriage is meant to be over before another one starts. I can't be asked as I am being asked, to be consistent, not upset, not 'moody' or depressed by the situation.

"I have, for many reasons, complained about the fact that Frank won't spend time in my house. This has meant I have been in his, the marital home. And this is clearly a marriage that is not over.

"I really feel the best thing I can do under the circumstances is end the relationship and let Frank and Mary work out their differences and either stay together or break up. I've actually been fighting for the space to have a relationship, which is not overshadowed by Frank and Mary's.

"I'm being expected to behave like the Dalai Llama, in circumstances which would drive anyone crazy. Maybe Frank should not have asked any woman into his life till the marriage is actually over. Certainly it appears that he should not be bringing me to the marital home when it's causing so much upset.

"I still don't apologise for fighting. I think what Mary has been doing to Frank is appalling. I have become suicidally depressed by Mary's antics, in particular since a week before my child was due when she wrote asking that I take my things out of Frank's house.

"She knew the baby was being induced for medical reasons on Dec 19. She wrote requesting I remove my belongings on Dec 11. My baby was born with very serious and life-threatening pneumonia and was in special care for 10 days.

"Frank does not really spend time at my house, so that if I want to be with them I have to pack up all my kids on a Friday and go to stay in what is the marital home of Frank and Mary. This I do so that Frank gets to see Yeshua, but also so that I might spend time with Frank and be cuddled. Since I have just had a baby.

"When I go to Frank's house a lot of his time is spent dealing with the stress of Mary, rather than getting on with life. And she is so much an issue that it is very hard for me to have my own needs met. If my baby's father's mind is all caught up with his wife and her antics then it's hard for me to get hugged.

"This is what it comes down to. And I'm worn out running around like a blue-arsed fly, making sure everyone is getting what they need, going up there and then lugging my kids back home on Sunday evenings and minding the baby by myself, and being alone every night but two of every week. In other words, being without the father of my baby. Whom I would like to be held by.

"It's impossible to get held, when Frank is in a state of stress all the time. And that is also why I have been fighting, because I am worn out running around being superwoman keeping everyone's needs met, when there is a battle going on as far as Mary is concerned, which prevents us from even being at peace the two bleeding nights we do get together.

"She is a constant presence all the time, and I don't want her as my normality.

"So apart from my being angry that she hurts Frank, I am angry that she won't let Frank be at peace, because I need Frank to be at peace, so that I can get hugged, so that I can continue to be superwoman and meet the conditions of the relationship, while also meeting the needs of my own kids.

"Frank's life, because of Mary, is highly stressful. And I need a peaceful life and that's what I've been fighting for too. I love Frank. It shouldn't be that either I should leave him or accept Mary as normality for me and my children. I'm fighting for my own needs to be met.

"I want to be with Frank for the rest of my life. But if that means my own needs can't be met because of the negative presence in our lives of an ex wife, I wouldn't be able to handle it, despite the love I have for Frank.

"I need minding and hugging and tender loving care, as any new mother does, and it's hard to get that when everyone is so caught up in Mary.

"It's a shame because I adore Frank, but if he is serious about us, then he has to clear his decks and end his marriage properly so that we can argue over issues of our own."

(c) Sunday Independent 18 Feb 2007 Anne Harris