(un-cut version complete with all references to buttfuckery which were inappropriate for publication by a family newspaper)
For the confused, before we begin the article may we explain, Ryan Tubridy is an Irish tv and radio presenter upon whom Sinead has quite the little crush cus he's VERY fuckin snuggly. He hosts Ireland's largest chat show The Late Late Show. Hands off ladies. He's mine. Until either Dave Chapelle, Adam Clayton, or Robert Downey Junior come to claim me. I jest, I jest. He is far too sensible to be dealing with a crazy mudda-fukka such as myself. Enjoy. Have fun. Laugh. And above all. Contemplate anal sex now and then.
"An Open Letter To Ryan Tubridy"
Baby, I'm supposed to write a follow-up to last week's plea for a man, not a yam, but I'm so inundated with offers that I'm holed-up (sorry) in Planet Of The Apes, the only beauty parlour which will take me, and even then only round the back door in the middle of the night, but then I like a bit of that now and then don't I?
I must say, my greatest amusement this week is that on this day last week I had 3 followers on twitter. since I mentioned anal sex I have almost 2000! The funniest question I was asked this week was " arent you insane to talk about anal sex in public?" Answer? No! Rude? Yes. Bold? Yes. " inappropriate? Arguable. But insane? Why THAT'S insane!
I have received and accepted Ryan, your kind invitation to appear on next week's Late Late show 'fresh' from my performance at electric picnic. I respect you for the sense of humour it shows.
I promise to behave like a lady unless you kiss me and then i can only promise i will melt and the ESB will have to shut the whole country off for the night and a day or so after.
Fear not though, for I have employed my own Lebanese security team to keep me off men and they will have your back at all times. As well as taking business cards from any and all interested men in the studio be they panel, audience or crew.
Am wondering, in the meantime would you be a doll and do some explaining for me this week? Because baby you speak ' normal' AND nuts. That's why youre so special.
Also am writing in case your people miss my people on the phone between now and friday you will have the story straight from my own glorious mouth which is at present awaiting an implant. Stop that Ryan Tubridy you bold thing. I mean of the dental variety.
Please will you try to make the 'normal' people understand that anyone even remotely connected to the music business are so because we are intellectually and emotionally unsuitable even for criminality.
We are morons with 16 year old adolescent senses of humour, which are only made worse by attention being paid. We are as children whose unwanted behaviour should be ignored.
I want you to clarify for all who may be concerned that Sinead is in fact 99.999% vaginally oriented but has experienced the odd shall we say 'bark up the wrong tree' and immensely enjoyed it.
Apart from that and an as yet un expressed desire to get royally rogered while wearing nothing but stilletos, by a man wearing a regular business suit which she could clime all over, and an intense enjoyment of light to not especially painful spanking, is as "kinky" as the girl gets.
My father often said affectionately of me when I was a child " you could bring her anywhere twice. Second time to apologise. Never a truer word was spoken and it's what I want as my epitaph.
I did once ask Alan Shatter to spank me. Years ago. Cuz he's a ride. And no I don't think it's inappropriate to sexualise our politicians. I think it's most appropriate we should. They should feel good going to work. If i was Alan or Enda today being discussed in such terms by a fine filly like myself I'd be very flattered.
Of course Alan turned me down. As sensibly, did Adam Clayton (the only do-able one in the band). I wonder if he'd known I would have let him in the tradesman's entrance would he have stopped to think about it for a millisecond.
Ryan, I'm the kind of woman who is unfortunately terminally unsuitable for the role of wife or girlfriend. I am accursed. But I have begged God, that while he rightly banishes me from good men like yourself or Robert Downey Junior or Adam, could he salvage me a few from the section in-between guys like youse and guys like the one this week who because he is living with the mother of his children offered me " a once off experience which will guarantee you years of masturbatory material and will involve you crying in pain and being humiliated in a corner" Yikes!
I don't want my not being suitable wife or girlfriend material to mean I never again get kissed so much that I have to go around the whole next day with fat lips on me, giggling like an idiot, mad from being rogered so hard all night and me voice ruined from screaming.
I don't want to never again have to wear a polo neck to hide love bites from my daughter so she won't know I love sex. I don't want to never be snuggled. Or told I'm gorgeous. Or have no reason to shave my legs.
I don't want to never bury my nose in a stubbly man's face again. I want the end of my nose red raw from sniffing smelly men's stubbly faces. I want my whole face and neck sore from stubbly men sniffing me!
But I need to finesse my requirements based upon this week's responses to my plea.
I want to 'make lurve'. Sweet and filthy LURVE. With sweet and filthy men. If u don't have both sweetness and filth don't apply. I want 'sweet lurve' with music on. Say it again Sinead .. Like u really mean it this time.. I WANT TO BE LURVED STUPID BY SWEET FILTHY MEN WITH MUSIC ON. Ok? We clear? Ahem... Good. Now I wanna know what music you'd lurve me with.
Im revising the language from ' humping' to 'lurve' because humping became misleading. Am a bawdy thing alright on twitter etc, and a joker, but in fact secretly I'm quite a good girl. Just naughty enough. And I wanna be 'lurved'
Any man wishing to make a case for himself must be between 38 and 55 (that's cus Ryan is 38) un attached, and aware that he WILL be dumped at the drop of a hat if either Ryan, Adam Clayton, or Robert Downey Juniour stake a claim.
Applications to Twitter @howryeh.